Marriage Counseling in Decatur: Part One - Finding Connection

I’ve been a couples therapist in Decatur for nearly 10 years. While every relationship is unique, I’ve noticed many similarities in the complaints that the couples I’ve seen share about their relationships. Over the next month I will be sharing a blog series about some of the most common issues that we address in couples therapy. In this first segment I wanted to talk about connection.

One of the most common complaints that I hear from couples who are coming to marriage counseling is that they feel disconnected from their partner.

In my work with couples, I utilize the Gottman approach to couples counseling. The Gottman method is evidence based, and the concepts come from decades of research.

When it comes to connection, John Gottman has found that couples who are satisfied or happy in their relationship spend an additional six hours per week connecting with each other compared to couples who are struggling in their relationship.

John Gottman refers to this time as the ‘Magic 6-Hours.’ Six hours may sound like a lot of time, I get it. When first hearing this number many couples in therapy share that they don’t think they can commit an additional six hours to their relationship. However, when that time is broken down, if feels much more manageable. Those magical six hours are mostly made of small moments that couples can share every day.

Here is the breakdown:

Partings (10 minutes per week - 2 minutes a day x 5 days)

Happy couples make it a point to say goodbye to each other. They give their partner a kiss or a hug and learn one thing that they have going on that day.

Reunions (1 hour and 40 minutes per week – 20 minutes a day x 5 days)

After being apart, greet your partner with a hug and a kiss – and not a peck, a kiss that lasts for at least 6 seconds! Have a stress reducing conversation with each other that lasts at least 20 minutes. Many of the couples I work with are parents with young children, so often they save their stress reducing conversation until the time that they can truly focus on each other – perhaps after the little ones are in bed.

Expressing Appreciation and Admiration (35 minutes per week - 5 minutes a day x 7 days)

I recommend the couples keep a journal that they share with each other to express appreciation and admiration. Write down something that you appreciated that your partner did that day, and then share with them a trait that you admire about them. For example, “Thank you for handling little Bobby’s temper tantrum, I admire how you can stay calm in a stressful situation.”

Affection (35 minutes per week – 5 minutes x 7 days)

Cuddle in bed or while watching a movie. Give each other a massage.

Date Night (2 hours per week)

Prioritize a date night to spend time enjoying each other’s company. For some of my couples that looks like a weekly night of take out and a board game once the baby is in bed. For others it is a weekday morning that they can both go into work late and they have breakfast with each other. Get creative, even with hectic schedules you can prioritize 2 hours a week with your partner to talk with each other and have some fun!

State of the Union Meeting (1 hour per week)

Take one hour a week to discuss your relationship. Start with the things that went well that week, then move into areas of concern. Each partner needs a space to be seen and heard. 

All together these moments make up the Magic 6-hours.

All relationships need nurturing and care. Even a “good” relationship that is neglected can leave a couple feeling disconnected. Make a plan with your partner today to build in more connection time.

If you are needing more help in your relationship, we are here for you. The therapists at Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness specialize in couples or marriage counseling and can help you to build a stronger, more connected relationship.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute free phone consultation with one of our Decatur therapists.

Or give us a call at 770-954-5476, we’d be happy to hear what is happening and direct you to the right person to help.

At Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness in Decatur some of our specialties include: anxiety therapy, depression therapy, couples therapy, and pregnancy/postpartum therapy.