Marriage Counseling in Decatur: Part Two - Managing Conflict

Welcome back to our blog series where I will be talking about some of the most common issues that I have worked with while doing couples counseling in Decatur for the last 10 years.

In our first post I talked about the Magic 6-hours that couples in strong relationships spend with each other each week to build connection. If you haven’t read it, check it out!

In this post I will be focusing on another hot topic that many couples seek marriage counseling for: How to Manage Conflict.

Conflict in a relationship is inevitable.  You are separate people, with differing ideas, different histories, and unique personalities. In a relationship there will be perpetual problems that will never truly be resolved and solvable problems where solution can be found. But no relationship is free of problems completely.

Since a conflict free relationship is impossible, it’s important that couples know how to have conflict with each other without hurting the relationship. Below are four tips to help you start to have healthier conflict in your relationship.

4 Tips to Resolve Conflict in Relationships

 1)    Timing is everything

Pick a time to address a complaint in the relationship when both partners are able to be present and focus on the conversation. When one person is trying to get out the door, it’s not the time to bring up the reason that you are angry with them. Same goes for when your partner is about to fall asleep. You may say, “I know you are trying to leave for work, and I am feeling really angry. I would like to talk about this when we get home this evening.”

2)  Avoid the harsh start up, use a soft startup instead.

The way we start a conflict conversation has a huge impact on how that conversation goes. If you come in harshly, by attacking your partner, chances are that conversation is not going to go well.

 Instead try using a soft startup. Take a few deep breaths if you need to self-soothe and then start with an “I” statement, instead of a “you” statement. From there share with your partner how you are feeling and what you need. The goal is to voice your complaint but not blame.

Here is an example of a harsh start : “You always forget to pick up your laundry. You are so inconsiderate!”

or

Here is an example of a soft start: “I’m feeling frustrated that there is laundry on the floor. I need for you to put your clothes in the hamper when you take them off.”

The second one is not blaming or criticizing but is clearly asking for what this partner needs and will more often lead to a more positive outcome.

3)  Avoid the 4 Horsemen

In John Gottman’s work he has identified four conflict styles that are harmful in a relationship. These conflict styles are known as the four horsemen and can be detrimental to a relationship.

The Four Horsemen are:

Criticism: Attacking the character of your partner and who they are as a person. Some examples: “You’re just lazy.” “You never think about me.”

 Defensiveness: Denying responsibility, making a counter-argument. When you are defensive, you usually aren’t listening to what your partner is trying to tell you.

Stonewalling: Shutting down, not responding. This often happens when the stonewaller feels overwhelmed.

Contempt: Showing disrespect or having an air of morale superiority. Contempt can be anything from offensive body language, like an eye roll, to name calling and mockery.

4)    Take a break when needed.

It is important to have conflict conversations, and to stay in them even when you may not agree with what your partner is saying. However, when a conversation has reached the point where either partner is flooded, or it feels out of control, taking a break is the best thing you can do for your relationship.

Breaks give you each a moment to calm down before resuming a conflict conversation. Breaks are a time to practice self-soothing so that you can resume the conversation.

 Before taking a break from an argument, it is important to set a time for when you will come back to the topic. This can be anywhere from 20 minutes to 24-hours. During that time you may want to go on a walk, meditate, sleep, or engage in another activity that helps you to feel calm

Before resuming the conversation, make sure that you have used that time to self-soothe and are able to start the discussion again calmly.

If you are needing more help in your relationship, we are here for you. The therapists at Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness specialize in couples therapy and can help you to build a stronger, more connected relationship.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute free phone consultation with one of our Decatur therapists.

Or give us a call at 770-954-5476, we’d be happy to hear what is happening and direct you to the right person to help.

 At Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness in Decatur some of our specialties include: anxiety therapy, depression therapy, couples therapy, and pregnancy/postpartum therapy.