Marriage Counseling in Decatur: Part Three - Strengthening Your Friendship

Welcome back to our blog series where I will be talking about some of the most common issues that I have worked with while doing marriage counseling in Decatur for the last 10 years.

So far in the series we have talked about the Magic 6 hours of connection to bring you closer to your partner, and how to resolve conflict in your relationship. If you missed either of those you should check them out!

Sometimes, when we see couples in counseling their friendship has been neglected and has not been made a priority.

In this post, we will be talking about the thing that is at the heart of every happy romantic relationship: friendship.

In John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Model, the friendship system is the foundation of the relationship.

Friendship is the thing that helps a couple to make repairs with each other in a fight, friendship is a key piece in sustaining emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship, and when your friendship is strong you know your partner has you back and genuinely likes you.

I think you get the point; friendship is important and needs to be made a priority. So how do you do that? Good question.

Here are 3 tips to help you keep your friendship strong:

1)  Strengthen your love maps

Love maps are how well you know each other’s world. In the beginning of a relationship couples are generally good at asking each other questions and getting to know each other, which is how love maps are built. Unfortunately, along the way we sometimes we stop asking as many questions, stop being curious about our partner’s experience in the world. This weakens our love maps. We start to feel unknown or unseen in our relationship leading one or both people to feel lonely.  So, get curious, ask open ended questions and continue to get to know your partner’s world. Some examples might be:

• What was the best part of your day?

• If you could create your dream vacation, where would you go?

• What things are missing in your life?

2)  Focus on Fondness and Admiration

Sometimes we get caught up in the things that our partner isn’t doing right. We might actually treat an acquaintance or stranger with more kindness and gratitude then we show our own partner. Feeling loved, respected, and admired is an important part of having a strong friendship in your romantic relationship.

In the first blog article in this series, I recommend the couples keep a journal that they share with each other to express appreciation and admiration. Other ways to increase fondness and admiration include saying thank you or giving your partner a meaningful and specific compliment. Catch your partner doing something good and let them know you noticed.

3)  Turn towards your partner for connection

In a relationship, attempts you make to connect with your partner are called bids. You can make bids for conversation, affection, support, humor, intimacy, or really anything that helps you feel connected. When bids are responded to positively it strengthens the friendship in your relationship. When bids are responded to negatively or missed, partners tend to feel lonely and unseen in their relationship. Over time, if bids are continually responded to negatively or missed the partner putting bids out may even stop making the effort.

Start by looking for opportunities to make bids in your relationship, and notice when your partner is trying to make a bid to connect with you.

By building a stronger foundation of friendship your relationship is better able to navigate hard times or conflict together. Couples with strong friendships have more fun and enjoy each other more, they feel supported and like their partner has their back.

If you are struggling in your relationship, we are here for you. The therapists at Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness specialize in couples therapy and can help you to build a stronger, more connected relationship.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute free phone consultation with one of our Decatur therapists.

Or give us a call at 770-954-5476, we’d be happy to hear what is happening and direct you to the right person to help.

At Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness in Decatur some of our specialties include: anxiety therapy, depression therapy, couples therapy, and pregnancy/postpartum therapy.