A Marriage Counselor Shares What Makes a Relationship Last
Earlier this week I wrote a post about trust and commitment, two topics that come up a lot in marriage counseling and one I have written about in past blog articles. The blog below is from my archives and I thought it was helpful in shedding a bit more light on the topic of trust and how couples can build it.
Here you go…
What is it that makes a relationship stand the test of time? I wish I had an easy answer for that one! But I can share that strong relationships have one thing in common, and that is trust.
According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, trust is one of the most important things to make love last.
Often the conflicts that couples have are related to questions of trust. Can I trust that you will be here for me? Will you will put our relationship first? Can I trust that you will be faithful to me? Can I trust that you will take care of our kids? Will you take my side? Can I trust you to comfort me when I've had a bad day? Will you be emotionally available? Can I trust you to love me for who I am?
So how do you build and nurture trust? According to Gottman, trust is built in the small every day moments. He calls them sliding door moments, based on the movie Sliding Doors. In these moments you are paying attention to your partner and their emotional needs, and you make the choice to connect with your partner. Sliding door moments happen quick and they happen all the time. You have a choice how to respond.
An example of a sliding door moment that I like to share with my clients in therapy, is one that Dr. Gottman talks about from his own relationship. One night he was tired and wanted to get into bed to read a book. But as he passed by the bathroom, he noticed that his wife looked sad. In that moment, she didn't see him so he had a choice. Does he go into the bathroom and ask her what's wrong? Or does he get in bed and read the book he was excited to get back to? She would never know the difference. Spoiler alert-- he went into the bathroom. By responding in that way, he turned towards his wife and built trust.
In this video, Dr. Gottman talks more about sliding door moments. The renowned marriage expert explains that couples build trust in the small moments of a relationship, when we're emotionally attuned to our partner.
In couples therapy, a lot of the work we do is learning how to strengthen trust and intimacy. We focus on how the couple can recognize those sliding door moments and how to respond in a way that that brings them closer to one another.
If you are struggling in your relationship, we are here for you. The therapists at Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness specialize in couples therapy and can help you to build a stronger, more connected relationship.
Or give us a call at 770-954-5476, we’d be happy to hear what is happening and direct you to the right person to help.
At Aspen Grove Counseling and Wellness in Decatur some of our specialties include: anxiety therapy, grief and loss, depression therapy, couples therapy, substance abuse and addictions, and pregnancy/postpartum therapy.